Broken Wings

I'm being torn apart!

A year ago, if he had told me he liked me, I would have spread wings! But now...one of my wings belongs to somebody else.

I never once in my life pictured myself in this situation. Torn between two guys. Two BEST FRIENDS. What am I to do when my heart isn't giving me the answers?

JOE,

You are probably one of the most amazing people I know. I had the biggest crush on you last year, and you never once noticed it. Last year, I would have killed for you to say what you said last night. Why did you have to wait until now to tell me you had feelings for me?

TAYLOR,

You are everything I've ever wanted. You're sweet, you're caring, you're down right the only person I feel completely myself with. But you're my best friend. You've hurt me before by trying something with me, and I know I hurt you more by running away from that.

I can't chose either of you, don't you see? Because somebody is going to get hurt.

I've always waited for somebody else to give me an answer. Somebody else to push me in the right direction. Somebody else to guide me. But there is nobody there right now. I realize now that I have to make this decision, and nobody else can help me.

All I want is for my wings to work again.

It's Happening

November 11th, 11:11PM, I made a wish. And that wish came true.

I wished that you'd let me know how you feel.

And you did.

You finally did.

And I feel like I'm lighter than air.

After a whole year. One whole year without you.

And you say you have feelings for me.

You say you like me.

And I can't wait to tell you the good news.

Because I like you too.

I can't believe this is happening!

[ Ahh! So many emotions right now! ]

Looking Up

Things are looking up for me [:

This morning I ditched first and second (don't worry, my mom okayed it) to go surfing with my friend. He takes surfing as a class in his college. The class had over 70 people in it, and all they did was come to Newport at 8:00 and surf until whenever. It was amazing! The people there were so nice and they loved to spark conversations.

And the waves were nice too! Once the fog cleared away, the sun was bright and shining and the waves were big and beautiful. It took some getting used to at first, but I eventually managed to catch a few waves.

After school I watched the new Spike Jones film, Where the Wild Things are. Adorable. I admit I cried a bit at the end of it (not because it was sad, but because it was touching). I totally suggest you guys watch it.

So yeahh...I had a great day today with friends. I have a busy weekend ahead of me, and I can't wait.

ONE WEEK until I'm seventeen!! I can't wait!!

[: <3

Confusion Confusion

I'm so confused right now!

I've been losing a best friend, but don't even care, because I realized she isn't the person I thought she was. At the same time, somebody else is starting to bug the crap out of me because I know she's hiding something. Somebody else is pissing me off, because he's s ending mixed signals. Somebody else is still amazing as they've always been, but I don't like them like I used to...

And most confusing of all, the same person I've hated, I've ranted about endlessly, I've been a bitch to, and I've hurt, is the one person that now I can tell anything, the one person I can be myself around, and the one person I truly care about.

Like I said. Confusing.

You know what? This summer I learned a lot about myself. Coming back to school has given me this epiphany. I know who I am and I'm not afraid to let others know that. I feel like I have this new confidence in myself. At the same time, this is a bad thing. I'm starting to realize that some things that used to cheer me up before no longer entertain me. No longer is gossip fun. No longer do I waste my time in front of the television, watching TV shows for the sake of talking about them. No longer do I find random, mindless chatter about stupid things fun or fulfilling. I am not a new person, but the same person I've always been, the person whose been hiding within me afraid to show itself.

I'm ready to face you world.

Flip

There comes a point in life where your present situation takes a drastic turn--no, more like a flip--until things get out of control.

Everything I've done last year, everything I've wanted and strived for and wished for has suddenly flipped. The things I used to wish for no longer seem important. The things I didn't want to have anything to do with are becoming part of who I am. I just don't know what to think anymore.

It feels like I made some kind of mistake down the road. Like, I messed up. I'm not where I'm supposed to be right now. Something huge is missing, and there is no way I can get that back.

And I just realized that now.

Damn.

Mmmm...spa.

So I just got back from the spa.

Apparently, the spa comes free for guests of the Hyatt here in Monterey. It was, I must say, incredibly relaxing! The steam room really lifted all those nasty toxins from my skin and the showers afterwards were so big and nice! Everything was great! The towels and robes they give you are softer than the softest cotton...

ANYWAYS

My point? It sure feels good to pamper myself. Like, seriously. I mean, I do it all the time, but I haven't been doing it a lot this summer mostly because I've been busy. And away from home. But boy, is it nice to slip back into that world of cleansing. :]

Other than the spa, this whole 'vacation' has been, well, nightmarish. Don't really want to talk about that right now. I'm just so relaxed right now, nothing could bring down my spirits!

Asleep In Your Arms

There I am, all alone, amongst a dark sea of night. I'm sitting under the pale wash of moonlight, feeling the bitter cold breeze splash against my cheeks. The rough sand beneath my bare feet sends shivers up my spine, as the scenic ocean view sinks into my consciousness.

And then I see you walking along the sand, your eyes like mirrors to your soul. They're dark and mysterious, and glisten in the soft light of the crescent moon. You're wearing a jacket. The obvious emitted comfort from you forces me realize just how cold I really am. When you see me, you sit down next to me. You take off your jacket, and rest it around my shoulders, drawing me into you.

We sit in silence. No words are spoken, but every feeling is felt. Warmth. Passion. Desire. Fear. Bliss. Your arms are around me. The warmth of your hands sends electric shocks down every corner of my body. My heart pounds so loudly, that I'm afraid you'll hear.

And then you turn your face towards me. Spellbound by your presence, I find it impossible to take my eyes off of you. You tell me that I am the nicest, most beautiful, most caring girl you've ever met. Those words cause my cheeks to redden and my eyes to dart nervously away. But I inch in closer to you. I can't control it. I sink into you. I let you hold me. I fall asleep in your arms.

And then...

And then I wake up. Wake up from this dream. This dream that's not real. And even though it's not real, even though that never happened, I wake with a smile on my face. Because you swam through my dreams, and made me feel alive. I can only hope I'll swim in yours tonight.

[[I'm not sure what this is...I woke up today with a huge smile on my face, but an hour later I forgot the dream that made me feel so happy. I'm sure that it was something like this though. And I hope I dream of something similar tonight!]]

I Made It!

I made it into advanced! Despite my EPIC fail at filming today, I was in the TOP FIVE and was able to get into the advanced advanced class! Wow, I can't believe it! (:

I'm celebrating with snickers ice cream. Totally yum. Haha, I'm cocmpletely spazzing right now. I really thought I didn't make it!

Always stay optimistic you guys, things will always work out in the end!

Shutter Speed

ZODIAC SCOPE - Libra

Your routine will get disrupted today, which will get on your nerves more than it probably should. You've been on such a nice roll for so long that this new turn of events is disrupting your flow and making you cranky. The best approach for this level of frustration is not forcing things back the way you want them. It's too late for that. No, better to take a deep breath and just go with the flow. An adventure is right around the corner.

Today was my first day at the video workshop!

To get into either the advanced or intermediate workshop, we have to film a short 60 second short film and edit it all within four hours. That's harder than it sounds. First, you have to come up with a story (which took me a good hour and a half). Then you need to cast, check out equipment, and scout locations. Once you find your locations, you need to film, film, and film to make each shot perfect. Then you have to go back to the school, capture all the film, return the camera, edit and find appropriate music, and finally render to complete the project.

I was doing fine when I started filming. Everything seemed to be working out okay (even though I was stressing out like crazy). But then, after we return to the school, I realize there is NO audio.

No audio? CRAP! I had no idea why the camera didn't pick up audio. It was a mystery! Until I discovered a setting on the camera...

Shutter Speed was set to 1/1000 and I filmed in 60fps.

I'm assuming you guys have no idea what that means. It basically means that it films MANY more frames per second than when shutter speed is off. So everything I filmed was in SUPER SUPER slow motion. That's why there was no audio. Obviously, a camera can't record audio in slow motion...

So I freaked out. I thought I was finished. I awkwardly captured the film and began laying out my clips, making sure nobody noticed my epic fail. I sped up each clip by 250%, which made everything look normalish speed, but very choppy.

But I didn't let that get me down. I HAD to pass the entry test. I worked my ass off to produce a decent video and I must say, I was surprised at the quality of the final project. Sequencing seemed fine. Color was fine. The only thing that wasn't fine was the slight jerkiness of the camera. But I can always say I added that in editing to add my desired effect.

My point? Filming was extremely stressful. Stress is something I haven't really felt the past couple of days, after returning from Sacramento. I did just what my horoscope said. I went with the flow. I didn't turn back, and I didn't freak out. I didn't fix the problem, but rather didn't let it become a huge one. Interesting scope today.

ZODIAC RATING: 9/10

Sacramento

Just came back from Sacramento a few days ago, and wow, do I have stories to tell.

First of all, I'd like to say how amazing it was to get out of the Irvine Bubble. It was amazing too, to get out of Southern California. It's a fantastic experience, hanging out with three great friends, embracing every moment.

Driving up there was almost moving. After we pass the busy streets of LA, we drive down miles and miles of wilderness. The Grapevine is an extensive mountainous area with next to no stops. So many hills, so many mountains. It felt calming to see nothing but nature.

Once we got there, everything seemed to unwind. All my Irvine troubles seemed to fade. Those didn't matter anymore. I felt completely relaxed.

Probably the best part of the trip was stargazing. Up there, the blanket of lights that pollute our skies from our cities ceases to exist. Thus, the skies are fresh and clean and clear-I've never seen so many stars. Well, I might have, but I definitely don't remember. We gazed at the endless sea of stars for three hours, but it only felt like a couple minutes. Every time we'd see a shooting star, whomever claimed it first could wish on it. I made a lot of wishes that day.

We also went ghosthunting. In front of the house we stayed at is a vast farmland, with cornfields, forests, rivers and lakes. We drove out there with the golfcarts with our video camera, anxious to find something spooky. Of course, we ended up scaring ourselves near to death, and it's a pity to say that we didn't find any ghosts.

Golf carts. Seemingly harmless, boring vehicles. Except when you drift with them. Drifting was loads of fun, even after being thrown off the cart several times by inertia. I came an inch close to crashing into a trailer. Fun. At least I didn't crash into the house, like Joe.

We played Flashlight tag a few nights with a ranch neighbor, Danny. There were tons of places to hide, and each game took a good half hour to complete.

If you didn't already know, I stayed on a ranch. There are horses on ranches. It only makes sense then, to talk about the horses. I rode a horse named Joshua, who is amazing. Retro, another horse on the ranch, was great fun to talk to and feed. Two other horses ( whom I forget their names ), a mother and a foal, were great fun to play with. I really love horses!

And, continuing with the horse topic, we went to the race tracks! The first track we went to was truly amazing--ponds and green grass surrounded the dusty tracks, overlooked by a beautiful california sunset. We didn't win much there, so we tried our luck driving down to Pleasanton. Now that was a thoroughbred track, instead of the previous chariot races. I must say, thoroughbreds are tons more fun to watch. But still no luck. After hours at the tracks, I'm proud to say we lost a grand total of $250. It was so worth it.

Back at the ranch, I helped cashier at the local cafe. The first few customers were patient as I bashed the cash register with a confused expression, attempting to ring up a correct receipt. Eventually I succeeded, and gladly worked the register with only a few mistakes. It's a lot harder than it looks.

All the other stories and tid bits shall go unsaid, only to remain between me and the three other travelers. I really loved hanging out with them, and I truly had a blast.

And to you all, I'm BACK! So lets go out and do something. I'm so bored at home, and I've only been back about a day! Lets go to the beach, or bowling, or hold a huge manhunt game, or something. There is so much to do and nobodies doing anything. I've learned that vacation is where my friends are, and it never has to end.

I Hope I'm Not The Reason

To you, you arrogant bastard, I hope I'm not the reason.

You were everything to her. She did everything for you. And yet you throw her around like some kind of toy, and break her heart, and make her cry, and make her hate herself when she shouldn't. For no reason. You guys were great. You guys were the best together. And you ended it.

I better not be the reason. My answer, if you were to ask, would be YES, YES I DO, but I CAN'T because of who you are. You break things. You break hearts. I can't deal with that. Yes, you're amazing, but if you broke her heart so easily, without any drop of human emotion, what would I be? Just another toy?

And I better not be the reason. Because I hope you know that I'm not like other girls. I don't fall so easily. I hate you. How could you make such a brain dead decision? If you liked me, why didn't you tell me two months ago? Why make things complicated. I can't let what happened to her happen to me. You need to learn not to be such a horrible, horrible person. How could you do that to her?Make her think that you're going to spend the rest of your life with her, and then dump her like she's nothing to you? Did you ever love her? Did you ever mean what you said? Do you ever mean anything you say? You're a walking lie. How could you.

And to you, you amazing, talented person, I hate you too. You were my world until you found her. Until you started liking her. Until she was everything to you. You never knew that I used to dream about you every night. You never knew how much I hoped, how much I longed for you. Am I not good enough for you? What does she have that I don't? You destroyed my spirit. You broke my heart.

And to you, you jerk, you caring, friendly jerk, I hate you as well. You ruined things. You ruined how things could have been. Why did you have to like me? Couldn't you see I clearly liked someone else? Is that why he found someone else? Because of you? I hate you.

And to you, you who used to mean everything to me. You who used to care about me. What happened? I'll tell you what happened. Nothing. You never dared try for me. And I was too afraid to try for you. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of living this lie but I can't go back. We can't turn back time. I really hope I'm not the reason you're so depressed all the time. Because it wasn't just my fault.

(( You don't have to get this at all, you don't have to even read it. You probably don't even know anyone who I'm talking about above. I just needed to let out my flow of emotions. I can't let summer start with all these thoughts running through my head. I had to let them out. Life just sucks sometimes. ))

Summer <3

I can't believe it, it's finally here!

SUMMER!

As of today, I'm no longer a sophomore...I'm a junior! An upperclassman! And I feel fantastic!

Things are starting to get better for me. A lot better. My summer is going to ROCK this year. This weekend I'm partying it up at birthdays, tomorrow I'm going to go see a movie, and next week is going to be packed with awesomeness.

In July, I'm taking a roadtrip down with some friends to Sacramento, where we're going to stay for a few days. Everything is going to be funded for us. Horseback riding, you name it. It's going to be wicked awesome.

The seniors of ITV are gone, which is super depressing. But ambition swims beneath my veins, and I really feel as if I can lead the program next year. I have so many ideas brewing in my head, I just can't wait to become director. ITV is like my home, and I can't let a couple of graduating seniors destroy it.

On a sad note, all those 'relationships' that all my friends have gotten themselves into have mysteriously evaporated during the last week and today. Kind of an eye-opener. Everything ends, even things that you think wouldn't. It's sad, but it's part of life.

And I can't believe this year is over! Finals are over. Testing is over. Drama is over. Everything is OVER for another two and a half months. Epicness.

To everyone reading, HAFGS! (:

The Oh-Em-Gee Robbery

QUIZNO'S ROBBERY!

A Brilliant Thief Gets Away With Stealing Four Hundred Dollars

Yesterday, at approximately 11:42 in the afternoon, a devastating robbery occurred at the Quiznos located on the cross-section of Walnut and Culver. The robber managed to seize four-hundred dollars and eighteen cents in cash out of both the cash register, and Quizno's personal safe.

Remarkably, out of the five customers enjoying their lunch, none of them reported the robbery. The thievery had been reported by the manager of the store, and unfortunately the robber himself had already made his getaway. Lucky, there were no casualties.

KTLA news investigates.

Reporters arrive on the scene at approximately 12:05--twenty three minutes after the alleged thievery. Student Jane Wyatt, spectator of the scene, faced our cameras and told the world exactly what happened.

"So I was just sitting eating my Toasty Torpedo, texting my friend, when all of a sudden I see this guy come in to the store, who looked like he was angry or something."

"What did he look like?"

"He dressed in all black, with like this mask on...I would have gotten a better look at his face, but the strange man reminded me of my uncle. You see, my uncle threw these amazing birthday parties. I just felt like I had to text him"

"And what happened after that?"

"I heard some screaming, an' that guy ran out of the store with a bunch of cash. I assumed he had robbed the place or something. That's when I immediately texted Jessica. I mean, I had witnessed a robbery! I think I did, anyways. Did I? Anyway, we texted for about twenty minutes about it before you guys showed up."

The next witness, 16 year old student James Simons, also agreed to discuss his perspective of the crime.

"So yeah, I was ordering one of those BLT things, when this man rushes past me and starts yelling an' all, wavin' around a gun an' making some sort of scene."

"...And you didn't try to stop him?"

"Dude, my girlfriend Cindy is having some problems. Her friend Tia didn't show up at her birthday party three days ago, and..."

"What does this have to do with the robbery?"

"Oh, right...well she texted me. I had to answer her, you know? To calm her down. 'Can't ignore a text. Next thing I know, he was gone."

"And why didn't you say anything to the police?"

"Well I tried to text them. I didn't get a response. You can text 911 right?"

We moved on to talk to yet another witness of the crime, 15 year old Cindy Maxine. "So Cindy, what happened here?"

"Ohemgee, so lyke, there was this guy with like a mask and all, and I told him to geeteeyeffoow, but he just stared at me, lyke, doubleyouteeyeff! So I was just like kayemmay, and decided to text my beeyeff about this ex beebeeyeffeffell who ditched my beedee. Elloohell!"

Unfortunately, we couldn't understand what she was saying, so we moved on to the next witness, 17 year old Tia Tran. "Tia, did you get a good look at the robbers face?"

"Face? Uhm, no. Sorry, I'm not emotionally ready for an interview."

"How come?"

"It's my best friend, Cindy! She won't listen to me...I couldn't go to her birthday party because my dog passed away. It was...a really, emotional, horrible thing and I was crying and couldn't deal with like a party and I really just needed to grieve and say goodbye to him and I...hold on, I have a text."

"Your best friend, Cindy? Cindy Maxine? Isn't she just right over there?" Tia didn't respond, and we waited two minutes for her to finish.

"I'm sorry, who are you again? Oh sorry, hold on a sec...I have a text."

We moved on to the fifth and final witness, 18 year old Brandon Piatt, who seemed to be busily pressing buttons on his phone before we approached him. "Brandon, do you have anything to comment about the robbery that just took place?"

Looking up at the cameras, he stared at us blankly "There was a what that just took place? Here?!"

None of those present at the time of the robbery could identify the robber.

Luckily, KTLA has stumbled upon new breakthrough evidence, and after viewing Quiznos security tapes, it is now believed that the suspect is a sophomore male, Irvine High School student, by the name of--hold on, I have a text.

[ I probably should have posted this before, but this was a practice-satire I felt like doing for my Honors Brit Lit Class. Didn't want to spoil the fact that it wasn't a real news article, tee-hee. ]

Lie? Idk.

Have you ever had the feeling you're living a lie?

I spent most of my week researching about our earth. And how horrible we're killing it. Every day we destroy our thin, fragile layer of Oxygen that's keeping us alive. And, even though I complain about it and even though I'm horrified by it, I have the horrible feeling that I can't do anything about it. So if I can't do anything about the inevitable, why waste my time worrying?

But now I feel like I'm just trying to push away the problem. Live life happily without having to worry about the bad. Like the motto of my video class, I "don't worry about it."

The thing is, deep down, I know I can make a difference. A huge impact. Do I want to? Absolutely. Will I? Probably not. Why not? I have no idea. Yes, I've begun recycling more and picking up trash I see on the way to Seattle's Coffee during lunch, but even by buying Seattles Coffee, I'm killing the planet. Killing trees for those little paper things they put around the plastic cups. Destroying the atmosphere when planes packed with ingredients for that coffee flew into the country. Everything I do seems to kill the planet. And I'm not the only one doing it. Everyone is.

I'm not sure what my point is in writing this. I don't think I really have one. I just don't really know what to do about this all.

Another example would be video gaming. I did a whole freaking report about the dangers of video gaming...about how people spend their lives on virtual games such as World of Warcraft and create virtual families that replace their real ones. It's freaking scary. And yet, the day before the presentation, I played the Sims 3 for FOUR hours. And I know I've played games much longer than that.

I know the dangers of my actions. And I can't stop because I was raised to consume. Is it better to know the horrors of our actions? Or is it better to stay ignorant?

Wow, I just noticed how completely pointless this post is. Whateves.

-end rant-

Breakeven

What am I gonna do when the

best part of me was always you?

What am I gonna say when I'm

all choked up, and you're okay?

I'm falling to pieces.

Breakeven - The Script

Sometimes in life, you just want to break down and cry. Nothing seems to be going right.

Me, for instance, felt that way Monday. I had lost my best friend. I had lost a guy I cared about. My friends have gotten into some, 'bad habits,' per say. I couldn't talk to anybody about my problems. And worse still, I realized that the guy I couldn't stop thinking about wasn't the one for me. My heart was broken beyond belief.

Nothing seemed right anymore. I felt lonely. I had nobody. I felt like the world had swallowed me whole. I was there in a little patch of darkness, where no light could penetrate. I felt like a walking shadow.

During school, I would smile and act like nothing had changed. But every so often, my eyes would cloud up, and I'd have to swallow my pain again. I know they say that a heart-break can really be a blessing, but I didn't feel that way. And I'd keep it in until I got home, where I would let out all my pain, laying on my bed, grasping my pillow, talking to my birds, and doing absolutely nothing until the next day. I wanted to be miserable, because that's how I felt.

I never thought I'd rise up from the ashes I've scattered. But you can grow flowers from where dirt used to be.

Near the end of the week, I was a changed person. Somehow, during that miserable depressing week, I woke up. I felt liberated. Yes, it hurt, but I can't waste time worrying about it!

So through my depressing I was reborn. Who needs darkness when there's so much light in the world?

I reconnected with my best friend, I began regaining my social life, and I even worked heavily on school work and began to really get into what I was learning ( before I had obviously been distracted, but now I was free to concentrate ). I let myself run free. Life shouldn't be wasted worrying about how you appeal to others, waiting for things to happen, and wishing for things to get better.

Life is beautiful. Somehow, amongst this universe of trillions of galaxies, we made it here on earth. This tiny, fragile planet. And on that planet, we're given this life somehow. I don't care by whom or what, but we are given life. I don't want to waste my life wishing for a better one. I want to embrace it.

And even though I may sound extremely happen, my heart is still broken. Perhaps I'm only trying to convince myself that the only way out from this darkness I've been drowning in, is up. Because when a heart breaks, it doesn't break even. But a broken heart is still a heart, and I need to cherish every piece I have left.

Rejection

Wow. Just wow. I haven't had a horoscope so dead on in a long time.

ZODIAC SCOPE - Libra

You need to say goodbye to someone, but it won't be as difficult as you fear it will. You will see something today that makes you understand that this fork in the road holds two very rewarding (yet opposite) paths for each of you, so leaving them to go their own way isn't a rejection. You now see that staying on the same path is a mistake for you both. You're entering a strong selfless phase that will keep your heart warm even when you're missing people you love.

I had to reject somebody for prom today. I don't feel good about telling people 'no,' and it left me with this horrible feeling; like I had just crushed the guy. He didn't talk to me for the rest of the night, and I felt like I had just damaged our friendship.

But the horoscope speaks truth. It wasn't as hard as I thought it was to say 'no.' I have been making excuses before this, like saying I would be busy that day, or that I don't have time to think about celebrating at prom, etc. But when I just said 'no,' he understood.

And I have to make it clear to him that we can't be more than friends. No, that would not work. So yes, "staying on the same path is a mistake" for both of us. He's a good friend, but he doesn't mean anything else than that. I don't want him to hurt over me anymore.

And I am entering a selfless phase. What the hell. Recently I've been studying, I've been helping other people, I've been listening. I'm an extremely selfish person ( I'm not afraid to admit it ), but recently I'm trying to fix things with my friends. I don't want all this drama anymore; if things stay the way they are, we're all going to collapse at the end of the year. I don't want that to happen.

So yeah, wow, I'm shocked at how correct this is. What a crazy random happenstance.

Zodiac Rating: 10/10

10 Biggest Ticks

There are certain things in this world that bug the crap out of me. The irritation is just unbearable! So I've decided to make a list of ten of the most annoying things people do. So without further adieu, here's it is.

-------

10. Movie Talkers

This is one of the most talked about pet peeves out there, and yet people still do it. If I pay 10 dollars to see a movie, the only thing I want to hear is the MOVIE. I don't care if you think the next part is 'hilarious.' I'll figure that out on my own. And it isn't just 'movie' talkers that bother me. It's 'television' talkers. This'll happen at home when I'm watching either House, Medium, Lost, etc. An intense part will begin, and some idiot decides to walk in and talk to the person watching tv with me. They'll ask for dinner, or they'll complain about the neighbors, or ask some dumb question that could wait fifteen minutes. I can't stand it!

9. Parents Insisting I Study

It's funny how they only complain when they, themselves, are ticked off at something. I could have studied for hours and finished all of my homework, but does that stop them? No. My mom will look at my computer screen, or walk in on me watching television, and insist I stop wasting my life away and to start studying. Does she even know what I do every day? Does she even know what I'm even forced to study? No. She just doesn't want me to be enjoying my free time because she's not enjoying hers.

8. Tracksuit Bottoms

I'm sick of this whole athletic-wear thing. I mean sure, you look fine if you're actually in a sport and working out. But there is a reason those shorts are so short, and it's NOT to look trashy. It really ticks me off when they wear these tracksuit bottoms OUTSIDE of their sport. When I go to the supermarket, I don't expect to see some bitchy girl in tracksuit bottoms flashing her legs everywhere.

7. People Who Say They'll Fail

When these people say that they will fail a test, it usually means they MIGHT get a B instead of an A. They'll say things like, "I didn't study at all!" Yes you did. We all know you did. And if that doesn't work, they'll say something like, "I studied for four hours and I'm still going to fail!" No one is giving you sympathy. You'll probably get an A anyways, and pretend to be surprised. Stop making the kids who are REALLY struggling look bad.

6. Elementary Sluts

I've noticed an increase of child whores. They dress in skimpy clothing, wear eye liner when they're like eight, and talk in that horrible valley girl accent as if they were all that. And for some reason they all have the newest phones, the latest i-pods, and their prime concern is who got voted off of American Idol the night before. You're kids. Get a life before you lose it trying to be someone you're not.

5. Unformatted Word Papers

I HATE when I see someone's essay or paper that looks like crap. Even still, in high school, there will be that idiot who thinks that printing her essay in 'fun fonts' is still fun. I can't read your paper, and honestly I'm not going to even try.

4. Reading Over Shoulders

When I'm on the internet, or reading a book, that isn't an invitation for you to join the party. I'm not doing anything interesting, so why do you care? It's an invasion of my privacy.

3. Text Fights

This always happens at least three times a year. The huge text fight. I don't have a phone, so unfortunately I can't participate. It usually involves a group of people texting back and forth every second, expressing their hate for each other in words. In between texts, they will complain to you about that person. And then they'll text some more. Why don't they flipping call the damn person? Or talk to them yourselves? Are you too afraid you'd realize how stupid you sound fighting over something insignificant?

2. Being Ignored

When I talk, about 85% of the time I want to be heard and responded to. If I throw in an idea and nobody responds, it doesn't help much. If you don't like it, tell me. If I start a conversation with you, don't turn to your nearest friend and start talking about something entirely different. I exist. Usually these people think that they're being funny by ignoring me, like it's some kind of game. You aren't funny. Go jump off a cliff.

1. People Who Can't Walk

When I'm walking to class, I don't walk where people are talking and sitting. So why then do you bastards stop and talk where I'm walking? You'll just stand there, like you own that little piece of land you're standing on. How the hell am I supposed to stop walking when you stop, to avoid crashing into you? Next time you do that, you selfish idiot, I'm not stopping. In fact, I think I'll walk a little faster so I can shove you aside.

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Thanks for reading this super-rant you guys. Haha, it gets me angry to even think about these things. So, what makes you tick?

Fairy Tales

Once upon a time.

When I was a child, I believed in fairy tales. One day I was going to meet the perfect guy. Love at first sight. We wouldn't doubt. We wouldn't fight. We'd just be in love. I'd marry him and settle down in the countryside, and raise a family of my own. Life seemed simple back then.

Before I moved here, to California, I pictured the perfect guy. The 'dream' guy. Beachy, friendly, and super hot. I believed that when I saw him, I would instantly fall in love and vise versa.

It makes me laugh to remember these foolish ideas. I still believe in fairy tales, but I did face a huge reality check.

Love at first eyesight is impossible. You can fall in love with someone's looks, clothes, or ideas, but you can't love them truly until you know more about them. I do believe in love at first sight, but it depends on what you're looking with; your eyes or your heart.

And you can't suddenly be together; life never works like that. You don't suddenly have a job. You don't suddenly get into college. You don't suddenly have a family. Everything takes time and effort--things need to cultivate for a while before they move to the next step. As scary as it sounds, you have to start somewhere.

And you can't have a relationship without arguments. No disagreements? None whatsoever? That's impossible. You fall in love with someone for their uniqueness and personality--not how similar they are to you. A lot of people lie in the beginning of a relationship because they want to be equal. They want to avoid disagreements. But it's disagreements that make us so likable in a sense. Opposites attract, not equals.

Let's face it; nobodies perfect. Yet our 'knights in shining armor' seem to be exactly that. So when we find someone who isn't quite perfect, some people pull themselves away. You obviously aren't meant for each other if he isn't the 'Edward' to your 'Bella' ( as Twilight fans would have it ). But I've realized that you can find perfections in imperfectness. It's those cute little things- the way he gets angry when he doesn't understand something, the way he cracks that horribly bad joke that everyone laughs at anyways. Imperfection sounds perfect.

And finally, falling in love is PAINFUL. I don't care what you say, it isn't love unless you sacrifice those walls surrounding your fortress. Your castle. It hurts to let somebody understand you. To let somebody get you.

Love is such a simple emotion, but such a complicated feeling. I hope I find my happy ending soon. It just isn't as easy as I first assumed as a child.

...and they lived happily ever after!

Talk

Have you ever wanted just to talk to somebody, so badly that it hurt?

Have you ever wanted to hold deep intimate conversations with somebody--ever wanted to spill your heart out--ever wanted to let somebody into your armed fortress? Ever dreamt about somebody where the only thing you two do is talk.

Then why don't we, if we want to talk so badly? Why can't we just begin that little conversation that could affect the rest of our lives if we let it?

Because we're scared. Scared of what the future brings. Scared of the darkness, the light, the unknown.

And sometimes, we fear we won't be understood. We're so caught up in our own conversations with ourselves, that we feel as if nobody else could think just like you. Just like me.

But we're wrong. People are more connected than we realize. Because everyone wants that certain someone. Not only to hug, not only to kiss, not only to marry.

But to simply talk.

F My Life

I was browsing Facebook today, when I stumbled upon a posted link; www.fmylife.com. I spent about an hour browsing it, when I realized that my life is fantastic compared to some people. I also realized just how screwed up this world really is.

Here are a few of my favorites that I read. They're effing hilarious! Enjoy!

Note: These aren't written by me, but rather random users who are members of FMyLife.com.

Today, I texted my college boyfriend to tell him how terrible I felt about cheating. He replied saying he was so relieved because he had been cheating on me with a girl in his dorm. I was talking about my math exam. FML

Today, my phone rang while I was home alone. When I picked up, all I could hear was heavy breathing. Convinced it was one of my friends playing a joke, I said loudly, "Get off the phone, you fucker, and don't call back!" It turned out it was my grandma. She had been having a stroke. FML

Today, I had one of the worst panic attacks in years. I was worried nobody cared about me and that I had completely messed up my life. I was hyperventilating and crying hysterically. My mom walked by my room, looked at me, and said, "If you're going to make those noises, at least shut the door." FML

Today, I spent 5 hours preparing dinner for my finace's grandparents, whom I've never met. At dinner, his grandmother says to him "If you're going to pick someone to spend the rest of your life with, at least make sure she can cook." I'm the executive chef at a 4 star restaurant. FML

Today, while I was babysitting, the toddler was feeding me banana slices from her tray while I was cutting up clay for her to mold. It was all fine until she shoved something hard and crunchy into my mouth. I immediately spat it out into my hand. It was a dead cricket she found on the floor. FML

Today, my mother had to take a stool sample because she has been ill for several days. Curious, I eventually had to ask, "how did you intercept the poo before it got submerged in water?". She yelled from the other room, "you know that little plate with the red stripe". I was eating off of it. FML

Today, I found out I won a 20,000 or 30,000 dollar scholarship. After celebrating with my family by jumping around the room for a half-hour, we realized it was addressed to someone else with the same last name. When we called to tell her, she said it was weird because she had received my rejection letter. FML

Today, I needed money to go to the movie. I asked my mom if I could reach in her purse and grab a few bucks. When I opened up her purse her phone started to vibrate. I yelled over to my mom that her phone was ringing. She said the phone was next to her. I looked in the purse. It was a vibrator. FML

Today, I was cleaning my room and opened my closet to spray febreze on all of my clothes. After they were fairly soaked, I placed the bottled back in the cleaning drawer, and realized that it was bleach. FML

Today, I was walking my friends dog around the neighborhood, as I was walking I noticed a little girl fall off her bike. I let go of the dog and ran over to help. The girl was ok but the dog ran into the street and got hit by a truck. FLM

Today, my friends and I were drinking boba. On the side of the cup it said "Please drink carefully to avoid choking on the Boba". I started to laugh at the ridiculousness of the label, and proceeded to choke on the boba in a coughing fit. FML

Today, my cat was in the bathroom with me. I was getting undressed to get into the shower. My cat looked at me after I undressed and then proceeded to throw up all over the rug. FML

Today, I called a priest "lame". He responded jokingly with "God will smite you!". I laughed and walked out the door. I tripped and broke my ankle. FML

Today, I bought a parakeet for my kids. When I got home and presented it to them, they wanted to let him fly around inside. We went around the house making sure all the windows and doors were shut. Unfortunately I forgot to turn off the ceiling fan. FML

Today, my cat got into the bathroom while I was changing my tampon. As I was throwing the applicator away, I felt a sharp pain around my vagina; I looked down to find him swatting at the tampon string. FML

Today, I was walking from my office to the place i had parked my car, a distance of approximately three blocks. As I was about to round the last corner I was forced to dive out of the way of a speeding car. As I looked up, I noticed that it was my car. FML

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. My name's not Brittany. That's his sister. FML

Today, my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of a potential business partner. When he began to type 'virginia' into google, it auto-completed his search with his recent search for 'virgin boy assholes'. I have to go on business trip with him tomorrow. I'm a young guy. FML

So, which one is your favorite? I couldn't decide either.

Bi-Polar

Just talk yourself up, and tear yourself down

You've hit your one wall, now find a way around

For a Pessimist, I'm Pretty Optimistic - Paramore

I feel bi-polar.

Just the other day, I felt liberated. Free from the clutches of darkness that snatch at the very foundation of my soul. I could do anything. Be anyone. I was an individual, and I didn't need anybody else to be happy.

I spent the day painting my nails and styling my hair. I cleaned my room, organized my clothes, and read a few Seventeen magazines. It felt great to be female. Great to have no major health problems. Great to be alive. It felt wonderful to learn and to indulge in life's pleasures, such as chocolate chip cookies and music. I felt optimistic. I have my entire life ahead of me, so why waste the present worrying about minor things?

Everything was great.

And then the day after, I got a reality check. That darkness returned into my life. I felt lonely. I felt sad. I felt a little insane at times. I felt broken. Like I was nothing. I knew I could go back to painting my nails and primping my look, but I suddenly lost the desire to. What is the point? Nobody else cares about my nails or my hair or my clothes. They all have their own problems to worry about. I'm not important in the grand scheme of things. What does a clean room have anything to do with living a fulfilling life? I didn't felt liberated anymore. I felt trapped. Locked to my own dark thoughts.

And now today, I'm neutral.

I don't know what to think. I don't know what I feel right now. Happy? Or Miserable. Liberated? Or trapped. I know tomorrow is always another day, so I'm not depressed or anything. Just confused.

I wish life could be more clear.

Jericoacoara

I have an important announcement to make.

I have a COUNTRY!

Okay, so it's not really mine. But it has my name written all over it. And it's only my ideal vacation spot. It's like a dream.

I was sitting in TA today, bored, so I decided to type in my name on Internet Explorers address bar. And what I discovered was mindblowing amazing.

There is a country off of the coast of Brazil called Jericoacoara! With one of the best beaches in the world, it's become a popular tourist spot. There are no large buildings, and it's simply beautiful.

Originally a fishing village until about twenty years ago, Jeri is currently an Enviornmental Protection Area; which means building limitations. There are no paved roads, and everything is tropical and beautiful. There are no streetlights; only the stars and the moon at night. They say that Jericoacoara has some of the best views of the stars, completely unpolluted by city lights.

People flock to Jeri to windsurf, kitesurf, sandsurf...and to surf! There's horseback riding, canoeing, and most of all, relaxing! People there put everything off until 'tomorrow.' Life just goes with the flow. The beauty of nature is stunning, and there's plenty of time to take it all in. 

As it's website says, "Jeri is a place removed from the hurried modern world of screeching sirens, maniac deadlines, traffic jams and endless lineups. A place where streets are paved with sand, where beaches stretch as far as the eye can see and where warm water marries with palm swaying breezes."

It has now become a dream of mine to visit there. Jericoacoara.  

The website is www.jeri.com. Feel free to check out my new paradise. 

Wishing Star

I had to write a ballad for my British Literature class, with certain vocabulary words and parameters, etc. I thought you guys should read it:

WISHING STAR

Upon the oceanic shores
Of the deep pacific
Roams a man named Theodore
His heart and soul romantic

His spirit though is shattered still
For luxuries he lacks
Born and raised in families poor
Wandering far and back

And through his lonely travels long,
He stole a glimpse of She
Her supple hair and bright green eyes
And coy personality

And on this shore, this sanded heath
Nighttime stilled the water
Breathlessly gazing towards the sky,
In heart there was no other

At last the first bright star appeared
It’s rays of light numerous
And Theodore closed his tired eyes
And made a nighttime wish

Down from above, out of the heavens
Appeared the nighttime sovereign
Whose been watching over Theodore
With thoughts of great concern.

“Theodore, you now wished upon it,
A wish upon the star!
I’ve waited years, solicitous
For you to call afar

“A star I’ll grant you, with one wish,
Please use it with caution”
And back into the nighttime sky,
He rejoined oblivion

Theodore sat holding his star
Falling off it glitter
He thought of all he could accrue
Eminence and sundry treasure.

And yet, though poverty stricken
He only thought of Her.
That seemly voice and sweet, sweet smell.
Her love he did aspire.

He dashed agile to her hostelry
And caught her staring high
At the moon, and at the night,
And of the stars that occupy

He reached out his cold and shaking hands,
Bestowing her the star
“It’ll grant you any wish, my lady,
I received it from afar.”

The maiden smiled, her cheeks reddening,
She stared into his eyes.
And Theodore stared back into hers,
Hers, seeming much more wise.

She took the gift and threw it back
At the night, the black sky
Theodore fell, his feelings crushed
The lady then replied,

“I’ve seen you here, your heart is pure,
Yet hopeless you do feel,
And wishes are for the hopeless only,
And hopeless not, I repeal.

“A star we need not wish upon,
Hopeless you shouldn’t be.
For always now, always forever
You eternally have me.”

Sometime Around Midnight

And it starts sometime around midnight,

or at least that's when you lose yourself for a minute or two.

Sometime Around Midnight - The Airborne Toxic Event

Broken.

It's a feeling everyone at one point in their lives have felt. It's that dejected emotion you pull out from the pit of your stomach every time you look in the mirror.

There's heart-broken. You feel torn and ripped apart inside, and you hurt and cry and break yourself apart over somebody that doesn't share the same feelings as you.

Then there's spirit-broken. Your life isn't turning out where you want it to, you're full of regret and pain and sorrow for everything that could have been. You've really screwed up somewhere.

Next, there's innocence-broken. You realize just how hurtful this world can really be. Just how dark and evil human nature is. Just how sick and twisted life can be.

After that, there's image-broken. You hate yourself. You hate your figure. Your legs. Your height. Your hair. Your face. You hate yourself so much that you've tried to change yourself. And you realize that you don't know who YOU are anymore.

Last but not least, there's soul-broken. Nothing is right. Everything in the world is out to get you. People, memories, objects, they all bring pain and you don't know why. Every day is a blur. Nothing seems real.

Broken. Eventually, you start to realize just how broken everybody really is. Just how broken this entire WORLD is.

I was sitting in homework lab the other day, watching people finish their work and draw in their notebooks. I was feeling sorry for myself and my miserable problems. Why me? Why am I so broken and tired and crushed? 

That's when it hit me. We all have problems. Each and every one of us in that room has felt broken at one point in our lives. We have all felt scared and lonely and torn. I wasn't alone. 

And by knowing that, it made me stronger. For each of us are just broken pieces-but put them together, and a wholeness is created. A wholeness of all the good left inside of us. 

Life is a bitch. But we're all facing that bitch together.

Gift Horse

Don't feed the gift horse by the foot.

What does this mean? I'll explain this classic metaphor. First off, you can't feed a gift horse, for by feeding a gift horse you are intentionally and deliberately -- wait, what?

If you actually tried to interpret the above statement, congratulations! You're an idiot! Kind of like me.

So the actual saying is 'Don't look the gift horse in the mouth.' At the time, I didn't know the real saying and kinda sorta made up my own. Don't do that.

What exactly does this mean? Well, for starters, this saying like most has a historical background behind it. As horses age their teeth begin to project further forward each year, and so their age can be estimated by checking how prominent the teeth are.

If you receive a gift, such as candy or even knowledge, the problem people face becomes accessing the value of the gift. This is just like examining a gift horse, to make sure it isn't too old. It's a gift. It's useful. It can run really fast and be really pretty.

When given a present, be grateful for your good fortune and don't look for more by examining it to assess its value.

( ps: My internet has been down, so I'm sorry for this useless post. I'll think of something more important later. )

Valentines Day

I made a song two years ago, on Valentines Day.

And where the circumstances surrounding the song no longer fit for today, I thought I might as well post it. I found it on my computer, and had a total flashback. It was pretty wicked. It made me realize that this Valentines Day was not nearly as miserable as that one.

So here is a two year old song.

Twas a dusty afternoon on Valentines Day
The world rushing all around me
I said wait- just give me a sec
but it keeps turning and doesn't look back

I see your gaze overlooking my heart
Your eyes shining at me, only me
But now, after this damn world has turned,
you look at me, and see...sadness.

Now you're with them laughing
And your with them smiling
And I'm here crying
Those eyes were once on me

And the tears fill my eyes
As I see your face
And my heart turns to gold
Oh, but its so heavy
What are the words,
to all this pain?
You don't even notice me..
Like you did, can't you see...
Happy Valentines Day.

I'm sitting all alone,
with no-one to hear
The crying of my soul and my heart
But you- you don't notice that now
All you care about is them.
Not me.

And I can remember a time
Where we would only laugh
No regrets, no lies, and no looking back
Now all you can do is follow the wind
But me- I will never change.

And your with them laughing
And your with them smiling
And I'm here dying!
Those eyes were once on me!

And the tears fill my eyes
As I see your face
And my heart turns to gold
Oh, but its so heavy
How can I say,
What I feel now?
You don't even notice me..
Like you did, can't you see...
Happy Valentines Day!

My heart its melting out of orbit
Crying, aching- can't you see it
But you can't, 'cause you are blind
Taking up my tiiiime
I tried to wait, I tried to count
All the days that went without
A word said to me- and
No it cannot be
For every wish I make to you
Every smile and laugh is true
Even after all we've been- through
And every time I see the day
Your eyes are always there to say
I loved you once....I..love you..now...

And the tears fill my eyes
As I see your face
And my heart turns to gold
But its covered with wings!
How can I say,
that I love you?
You don't even notice me..
Like you did, but now I see....
Happy Valentines Day!

'Twas a dusty evening, on Valentines Day
Your eyes glancing over to me
Then I think- maybe you still...
Love me like you use to...
Love me like I...do....

Tear My Heart Open

I tear my heart open, I'll sew myself shut

My weakness is, I care too much

My scars remind us that the past is real

I tear my heart open just to feel

Scars - Papa Roach

Valentines Day! Valentines' Weekend! Filled with love and happiness and romance and chocolate!

Unfortunately, this wasn't the case for me. This hasn't been the case for me for years.

Do you remember Valentines Day in the first grade? You'd arrive to school with your bag of Valentine cards, and at the end of the day you and the rest of the class would pass them out to each other. Everyone usually received the same amount of cards and candy. Everyone was happy.

If only today could be that simple. Most of the world despises this lovable day. It's the day where you sit and mope. Where you loath your pathetic life. It's the day where you watch other amazing relationships that only make you feel more horrible about all your failed ones. It's miserable.

So this Valentines Day I had to say goodbye to Hannah. We'll all miss her dearly, and I can't wait to see her again in five months.

But I also missed Formal. I couldn't pay. And my mom would only pay for me if I had a date. Unfortunately, I rejected all of my dates. So I'm not blaming anyone other than myself.

I was originally going to go with Nina. But decided against it. She's too preoccupied with her new best buddy, Kierstyn.

It was yesterday when I felt so miserable that I hated life itself. My friends came back from Formal, and all they could talk about was how wonderful it was. How much fun they had. How much fun I would of had if I had went. And all there pep and cheer worked together to crush my spirit.

This was upsetting me enough when I realized, at the end of the night, Nina hadn't called me. She hadn't made any effort to contact me at all. And that was the last 'scoop of sadness' on the miserable sundae ( as she would say ).

I feel replaced.

So last night, It's not fun to admit, I let those tears fall. I felt like the loneliest person on earth. Everyone had somebody. And I didn't even have anybody to cheer me up about that.

We all want to feel something. We all want to feel loved and appreciated by those around you. And I know, even if I can't feel it, that I am. I do have friends and family who care about me. Even if right now, I can't feel it. I have to think positively.

I'm feeling a bit better today, but the rain hasn't helped my mood at all. In eighth grade, I was super depressed. I vow NEVER to become that depressed again. EVER. I'll cheer myself up one way or another. And I'll prove to the world of single ladies ( props to Beyonce ) that you don't need a relationship to be happy.

Falling and Catching

There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere

There's gotta be somebody for me out there

Gotta Be Somebody - Nickleback

When you start to fall for someone, a curious thing happens.

Please note that your mysterious feelings can end on either stage of this process.

First, you cope with your strange new feelings through denial. This step can last a couple minutes, or even a few years. You convince yourself that you can't possibly be falling for yet another person. You still can't believe that you've lost interest in someone else, and you try to cling to that feeling as long as possible--before you finally learn to let go of the past. Some people ignore this new feeling, afraid that chasing after it can only cause them eventual pain. They're the independent type, who believe that they don't require a lover to be happy. They might even say cruel things about the person, as if convincing themselves not to like them. Don't do it, girl, you have too much going on right now and you don' t need anybody else to get in the way. You don't need him. 

After stage 1, you move to stage 2. You embrace your new feelings. Your heart, once broken, realizes that it feels whole again. A burst of excitement bubbles within you, and you feel flushed whenever you picture their face. Whether you're still in partial denial or not, you can't stop thinking about them. What is this feeling? And why is this happening?

Then you start thinking even more about them. It's no longer about the physical attraction that they may or may not possess; rather, you realize their inner beauty. The person within. You start to fall for their personality. At this stage, most people have already started conversations with the person they like. Those more shy than the braver will hold back, only talking to their 'lovers' in their thoughts and dreams. Whether they were close friends before, or complete strangers, you start to feel a deep connection between you two. You start to think that maybe you two can become something special. We're perfect for each other, can't he see?

And then your feelings expand into the cosmos, just when you thought that they couldn't grow anymore. You don't just think you two were made for each other, you believe it. Every single action of theirs becomes a memory. Every single girl a potential threat to your desired throne.  Your nights consist mostly of him; you fantasize the meeting, you fantasize the relationship, you even fantasize the fights and the problems that you two magically seem to work out. It's your mind, and you let it run wild. 

At this point, you've realized that there are two paths laid out for you. One leads to potential happiness, and the other leads to heartbreak.

1. The first 'path' leads to heartbreak. You think you're falling for someone, but you can't seem to land anywhere. You want to talk to them about your feelings--you want to find out if his heart is thinking of you too. But you're afraid. What if he denies you? What if you try too hard, and this wonderful feeling you've 'earned' dies? You want to take the risk, but you just can't. Things are just too complicated. 

One of two things can happen after you're done. The first is depressing; after you've stayed in 'love limbo,' you realize your feelings are fading. You question if your heart was playing tricks on you, and you grow dark and desperate to revive your feelings. Asking him seems to far fetched now.

Or, your affection could possibly grow so out of control that you change paths. You make a move on him.

2. The second 'path' can make you very happy. It requires you to have confidence. Your feelings have grown so strong, that you take that leap of faith. Letting him know your interested can mean a couple of things. You can straight out tell him your feelings, or you can give him subtle hints by telling his friends. However you ask him out, you already know the answer. It's either 'yes' or 'no.' If he agrees to start seeing you, your feelings usually grow even stronger. If not, your confidence is bruised but not broken. If you are brave enough to tread this path in the first place, you're brave enough to tread another.

If you, after the previous stages, are now in a relationship, most think that it ends there. You asked, or he asked, but the point is that somebody said 'yes.' You conclude that you are in love. But a simple 'yes' answer doesn't mean anything. Yes, you probably fell for him. Yes, he probably fell for you. But that isn't love at all. That's simply trying to find love. Love is unconditional. You expect nothing in return for your generous actions. Every time you kiss, you feel that same feeling of utter helplessness. Every time you see him, you're instantly happy. If you were ever depressed in your so called 'love,' it isn't love at all. You're clinging to the idea of love. You're lying to yourself. Nobody wants to be alone, but you shouldn't be with somebody whom you don't have feelings for anymore. If that's the case, reflect on the positive feelings you had with him and just move on.

Please don't mistake the difference between 'falling in love' and 'love.' Falling in love is like tripping--you feel the excitement and fear, and you wait for that moment when you hit the ground. This feeling can last years, and can give you a false sense of hope. You can easily fall out of love, by simply hitting the floor. Love is completely different. You cycle through all the steps until you finally find somebody that catches you before you hit the bottom. 

After you've fallen once, you can recognize the same pattern repeating over and over again until it feels as if your heart can't take it anymore. Don't give up. There's somebody out there for you--there's a somebody for everybody.

And I'm pretty damn positive that somewhere out there, there's a somebody for me.