Tear My Heart Open

I tear my heart open, I'll sew myself shut

My weakness is, I care too much

My scars remind us that the past is real

I tear my heart open just to feel

Scars - Papa Roach

Valentines Day! Valentines' Weekend! Filled with love and happiness and romance and chocolate!

Unfortunately, this wasn't the case for me. This hasn't been the case for me for years.

Do you remember Valentines Day in the first grade? You'd arrive to school with your bag of Valentine cards, and at the end of the day you and the rest of the class would pass them out to each other. Everyone usually received the same amount of cards and candy. Everyone was happy.

If only today could be that simple. Most of the world despises this lovable day. It's the day where you sit and mope. Where you loath your pathetic life. It's the day where you watch other amazing relationships that only make you feel more horrible about all your failed ones. It's miserable.

So this Valentines Day I had to say goodbye to Hannah. We'll all miss her dearly, and I can't wait to see her again in five months.

But I also missed Formal. I couldn't pay. And my mom would only pay for me if I had a date. Unfortunately, I rejected all of my dates. So I'm not blaming anyone other than myself.

I was originally going to go with Nina. But decided against it. She's too preoccupied with her new best buddy, Kierstyn.

It was yesterday when I felt so miserable that I hated life itself. My friends came back from Formal, and all they could talk about was how wonderful it was. How much fun they had. How much fun I would of had if I had went. And all there pep and cheer worked together to crush my spirit.

This was upsetting me enough when I realized, at the end of the night, Nina hadn't called me. She hadn't made any effort to contact me at all. And that was the last 'scoop of sadness' on the miserable sundae ( as she would say ).

I feel replaced.

So last night, It's not fun to admit, I let those tears fall. I felt like the loneliest person on earth. Everyone had somebody. And I didn't even have anybody to cheer me up about that.

We all want to feel something. We all want to feel loved and appreciated by those around you. And I know, even if I can't feel it, that I am. I do have friends and family who care about me. Even if right now, I can't feel it. I have to think positively.

I'm feeling a bit better today, but the rain hasn't helped my mood at all. In eighth grade, I was super depressed. I vow NEVER to become that depressed again. EVER. I'll cheer myself up one way or another. And I'll prove to the world of single ladies ( props to Beyonce ) that you don't need a relationship to be happy.