The Oh-Em-Gee Robbery

QUIZNO'S ROBBERY!

A Brilliant Thief Gets Away With Stealing Four Hundred Dollars

Yesterday, at approximately 11:42 in the afternoon, a devastating robbery occurred at the Quiznos located on the cross-section of Walnut and Culver. The robber managed to seize four-hundred dollars and eighteen cents in cash out of both the cash register, and Quizno's personal safe.

Remarkably, out of the five customers enjoying their lunch, none of them reported the robbery. The thievery had been reported by the manager of the store, and unfortunately the robber himself had already made his getaway. Lucky, there were no casualties.

KTLA news investigates.

Reporters arrive on the scene at approximately 12:05--twenty three minutes after the alleged thievery. Student Jane Wyatt, spectator of the scene, faced our cameras and told the world exactly what happened.

"So I was just sitting eating my Toasty Torpedo, texting my friend, when all of a sudden I see this guy come in to the store, who looked like he was angry or something."

"What did he look like?"

"He dressed in all black, with like this mask on...I would have gotten a better look at his face, but the strange man reminded me of my uncle. You see, my uncle threw these amazing birthday parties. I just felt like I had to text him"

"And what happened after that?"

"I heard some screaming, an' that guy ran out of the store with a bunch of cash. I assumed he had robbed the place or something. That's when I immediately texted Jessica. I mean, I had witnessed a robbery! I think I did, anyways. Did I? Anyway, we texted for about twenty minutes about it before you guys showed up."

The next witness, 16 year old student James Simons, also agreed to discuss his perspective of the crime.

"So yeah, I was ordering one of those BLT things, when this man rushes past me and starts yelling an' all, wavin' around a gun an' making some sort of scene."

"...And you didn't try to stop him?"

"Dude, my girlfriend Cindy is having some problems. Her friend Tia didn't show up at her birthday party three days ago, and..."

"What does this have to do with the robbery?"

"Oh, right...well she texted me. I had to answer her, you know? To calm her down. 'Can't ignore a text. Next thing I know, he was gone."

"And why didn't you say anything to the police?"

"Well I tried to text them. I didn't get a response. You can text 911 right?"

We moved on to talk to yet another witness of the crime, 15 year old Cindy Maxine. "So Cindy, what happened here?"

"Ohemgee, so lyke, there was this guy with like a mask and all, and I told him to geeteeyeffoow, but he just stared at me, lyke, doubleyouteeyeff! So I was just like kayemmay, and decided to text my beeyeff about this ex beebeeyeffeffell who ditched my beedee. Elloohell!"

Unfortunately, we couldn't understand what she was saying, so we moved on to the next witness, 17 year old Tia Tran. "Tia, did you get a good look at the robbers face?"

"Face? Uhm, no. Sorry, I'm not emotionally ready for an interview."

"How come?"

"It's my best friend, Cindy! She won't listen to me...I couldn't go to her birthday party because my dog passed away. It was...a really, emotional, horrible thing and I was crying and couldn't deal with like a party and I really just needed to grieve and say goodbye to him and I...hold on, I have a text."

"Your best friend, Cindy? Cindy Maxine? Isn't she just right over there?" Tia didn't respond, and we waited two minutes for her to finish.

"I'm sorry, who are you again? Oh sorry, hold on a sec...I have a text."

We moved on to the fifth and final witness, 18 year old Brandon Piatt, who seemed to be busily pressing buttons on his phone before we approached him. "Brandon, do you have anything to comment about the robbery that just took place?"

Looking up at the cameras, he stared at us blankly "There was a what that just took place? Here?!"

None of those present at the time of the robbery could identify the robber.

Luckily, KTLA has stumbled upon new breakthrough evidence, and after viewing Quiznos security tapes, it is now believed that the suspect is a sophomore male, Irvine High School student, by the name of--hold on, I have a text.

[ I probably should have posted this before, but this was a practice-satire I felt like doing for my Honors Brit Lit Class. Didn't want to spoil the fact that it wasn't a real news article, tee-hee. ]