Bi-Polar

Just talk yourself up, and tear yourself down

You've hit your one wall, now find a way around

For a Pessimist, I'm Pretty Optimistic - Paramore

I feel bi-polar.

Just the other day, I felt liberated. Free from the clutches of darkness that snatch at the very foundation of my soul. I could do anything. Be anyone. I was an individual, and I didn't need anybody else to be happy.

I spent the day painting my nails and styling my hair. I cleaned my room, organized my clothes, and read a few Seventeen magazines. It felt great to be female. Great to have no major health problems. Great to be alive. It felt wonderful to learn and to indulge in life's pleasures, such as chocolate chip cookies and music. I felt optimistic. I have my entire life ahead of me, so why waste the present worrying about minor things?

Everything was great.

And then the day after, I got a reality check. That darkness returned into my life. I felt lonely. I felt sad. I felt a little insane at times. I felt broken. Like I was nothing. I knew I could go back to painting my nails and primping my look, but I suddenly lost the desire to. What is the point? Nobody else cares about my nails or my hair or my clothes. They all have their own problems to worry about. I'm not important in the grand scheme of things. What does a clean room have anything to do with living a fulfilling life? I didn't felt liberated anymore. I felt trapped. Locked to my own dark thoughts.

And now today, I'm neutral.

I don't know what to think. I don't know what I feel right now. Happy? Or Miserable. Liberated? Or trapped. I know tomorrow is always another day, so I'm not depressed or anything. Just confused.

I wish life could be more clear.